Shallow Water: No Diving

Warning: For those of you who come to my blog seeking deep life wisdom and thought that exceeds the average, turn away, now. You may quickly be reduced to tears, and even the puddle you cry may not be as shallow as the following blog post. But alas, I cede to the Dark Side.

So my friend's friend who I've never met in my life (I'm a creeper, I know) has a pretty awesome Tumblr that reminded me of the good old days. You know, when I used to address my dear readers in the coded second person. And more importantly, when I used to use my blog to tell the word the life lessons I've learned from my (few, and far between, and not at all) saucy escapades and experiences with dudes.

Apparently blogging about dudes is inversely proportional to dating them, because here I am, writing to you and having really made no progress in the Panties Department recently. But this year has been kind of interesting, so here goes the recap. And by recap I mean the listing of the nicknames, because honestly, it's all about the nicknames.

Magnum- So named for both his real nickname, and the alternatively sized condoms I now stock as a result of our encounters. (Though both are unrelated...supposedly). I think I'm one of the only people for whom "I'm more of a relationship person" is actually a polite rejection. Either that, or he is shyer and more socially awkward than Puxatawney Phil and the Toothfairy... combined. (This theory still has its supporters, though why is completely beyond me, as it is obviously about as realistic as the aforementioned fairy tales.) For what it's worth I did really like the guy, totally would have dated him, and probably played* the entire situation all wrong, but I'll just keep telling myself it's his loss. At least now we have the much-needed-in-daily-life expression "hemoglobin cockblocking." And who in their right mind would turn down an "I find your lack of booty call disturbing" text message. That was GOLD.

Skeevy Steve- Except not skeevy, not skeevy at all. He actually later proved himself to be a very nice guy, but the mental nickname just kind of stuck. To be fair, it was not the best side of either of our personalities that was highlighted during our one-night, borderline black-out drunken fuck. how drunk was I, exactly? Before almost browning-out on the couch I said that Helen Hunt was hot. I do not think Helen Hunt is hot. In fact, on the celebrity hotness scale, I don't think anyone thinks Helen Hunt is hot. When it was done, it was almost as if we had both been temporarily graced with ESP. There will be no cuddling or post-coital bodily contact of any kind. There is no need to friend me on facebook. As of 8am tomorrow, this never happened. How did he end up in the hotseat, you may be wondering? Apparently drunk Juicy is very receptive to compliments, and Drunk Steve has a talent for this. Let's face it-a guy shouting "How could you forget her naaaaame!?" while not-so-subtly gesturing towards your figure is pretty flattering on both Sober and Wasty-Face scales. But overall lesson learned- when liquored up, lock it up.

Rapist Ryan- Not actually a rapist (I hope) but did unquestionably attempt to take advantage of me when he thought I was passed out. I am told he is currently seeking help. He better be.

30YearOld- Actually only 29, but when he first started staying late with me in lab and acting possibly-a-little-more-than-friendly I thought he was 30 so the nickname stuck. I should probably stop using it though, as I feel he is actually a friend and pretty cool dude who deserves much more respect than such a shitty nickname would imply...or is he just a huge flirt who's getting bored with his girlfriend? Either way, while I doubt anything would ever happen given the situation, it's clearly time to cut down on the lengthy 4am feelings talks.

BFuckingB- I don't wan't to put his full name up, but for those that know him, to say his name without the expletive middle is to actually refer to someone else, because there is simply no other way to say it. Obviously no new nickname could improve upon what is already perfection. I'm pretty sure this is going nowhere, but he's cute, and after significant encouraging from mutual friends I may give it a shot. After all, I said I was in a rut, didn't I?

*Caveat: I actually really hate using the expression 'play' with respect to dating. It makes me feel slimey and dishonest, like some ghetto/guido/fratboy pickup artist with an excessively starched hat and baggy zip-up. I don't quite mean it like that, but an until a more concise way of saying "the way I presented myself in hopes of achieving something" comes along, it will have to suffice. Apparently even my inner bro has its limits. Who knew?