Confessions

This is probably a little personal for a blog post, but I'm intrigued to see what other people think about it.

Once upon a time, when I was about 12 or so, I was having a conversation with a friend's mom and a little voice in the back of my head wondered "What would happen if I just randomly punched her in the face?" I had absolutely no desire or reason to do this, but for some reason at that moment the thought and its likely uber awkward aftermath just strongly occured to me.

Though these kinds of random and inexplicable thoughts don't plague me too often (or at least didn't for the longest time) I'm slowly coming to learn that I was actually pretty lucky back then. You see, when I was growing up, I was pretty (perhaps too much, even) assured in myself and my actions. Save a few rare exceptions, I was always more or less in control of everything that went through my mind and how I reacted to it, and it was all pretty logical. Furthermore, If I wanted to do something, I did it, and external forces were usually the only problems I had to overcome. Unlike many other people my age, I was never hindered by major insecurities about body image, 'fitting in,' eating disorders, sexuality (though that did come later), or a whole host of other things that probably contributed to making some people I knew at the time legitimatley suicidal.

But back to the 12 year-old punching anecdote. Sometimes I wonder what would have happen had I actually told a psychiatrist about this. Would they have been concerned? Would I have found myself in years of therapy when really I still would have been perfectly healthy otherwise? If everyone was put on a shrink's couch long enough, and forced to recount every single intimate thought that had ever occurred to them, would anyone be normal?

I doubt it. The more people I talk to about the past, the more I learn about the problems I never knew they were dealing with. Furthermore, as I get older, and more self aware, and gain more life experiences, I am coming to terms with the fact that no one can really be in control of everything 100% of the time. Infact, there are a lot of parts about ourselves: what makes us laugh, what turns us on, the way we think, the random thoughts that occur to us, emotional reactions, sometimes even just the mood we're in, that we really have no control over. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like it's just simply a part of the human condition.

When I was in highschool, I developed a mild tendency towards anxiety and hypochondria (for both physical and mental illnesses) that stays with me to this day. As much as I can calm myself and reassure myself that I'm being silly, It's still pretty annoying and causes me lots of stress for no reason. It's probably one of the first times I've ever had to say to myself "I really wish I wasn't like that" but really all I can do is accept it and try to deal with it as best I can. Twice in my life as well, I have been randomly, spontaneously repulsed by something entirely innocent that I would normally even like at any other moment in time. Weird, but true.

They say that the true key to happiness is to know yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself. Call me crazy, but I guess I never really knew what they meant until I realized that, oddly enough, 'yourself' isn't always as simple as what 'you' would like it to be.

...I wonder if Cavemen had to deal with this?